Chapter 10 - To Burn in Flames

This is going to be a bit of a rollercoaster. You have been warned ;). So brace yourselves :P xx

~

Your name burns in me,

warming from the inside,

each letter a flame. 

- Tyler Knott Gregson

~

As she attempted to move a piece of wool up to his face he stopped her, his hand falling on top of her arm, his fingers in a tight grip. He looked straight into startling hazel large spheres this time, pools of chocolate against orbs of hazel. His fingers grazed her soft porcelain skin ever so slightly as he spoke not breaking eye contact for a second.

"Khushi I need to tell you something..."

She sat watching him, her fingers stilling against his skin, not understanding exactly what he wanted to talk to her about but keeping quiet anyway, letting him say what he had to say. She wanted to know so much, ask him so many things but refrained herself for she was afraid that it would turn him into the ruthless man that he was capable of becoming.

He gulped back the fear that was slowly climbing up his spine, not sure how he was going to begin, his fingers unconsciously tightening around her arm as she continued to watch him, her piercing gaze unnerving. He attempted to think through the many consequences of telling her and then of not but couldn't, his coherent thoughts lost in a haze. He closed his eyes for the smallest of seconds, attempting to clear his mind but couldn't, it being focused solely on just telling her, of lifting this huge burden off of his shoulders.

****

Her nimble fingers ran over the frayed edges of the envelope, lifting its flap slowly, making sure not to let the already tattered paper crumple in her hands. Angelica had grown up with expectations for life, simple hopes and dreams that every girl carried with her but it was not to be, it was never to be and she had now accepted that fact, accepted her retched fate. In this cruel world, things rarely changed, the world continued around you in its horrid gait whilst you stood in the middle, drowning in a puddle of your own misery, wishing that someone, anyone would help you out but knowing deep inside that help wouldn't come. Ringlets of her hair fell to the tiled floor, its water dripping to the cool surface and leaving the smallest of puddles. She inserted her finger into the envelope, having to pry it open slightly with the edges of it stuck to the letter that it held within. Tears continued to silently flow down her face.

Her thoughts travelled back towards him again, Arnav, she couldn't remember the last time she'd seen his face, his melted chocolate soulful eyes that spoke volumes in themselves. It saddened her, how much they'd grown apart, how life had not failed to break her completely, shatter her every dream, her every memory, her every tie. But she was happy for him, for the route he had chosen and even though he hated her she was happy in that far off feeling of the fact that even in the darkest corner of his heart, he still loved her. That he still cared. If only he knew the truth, if only she could tell him but she wouldn't because his life in the end was worth a lot more than her own. He deserved happiness, even if that meant she had to forsake her own.

She gently pulled the paper out, her fingers trembling against the worn letter, its edges yellowing and breaking away and opened it slowly, reminding herself of another that had given up her life for something that had happened many years ago. But that's how it is when tragedies hit, no one really gets over them, everyone tries to get up, gather the broken pieces and just walk away but no one truly does. Because pieces of it stay with you forever, like the tiniest shard of glass embedded in the sole of your foot, you can never find it, but you know it's there, piercing you with every step but you can't get it out. And that's what it was, it still affected them, all of them, it was a part of them and the pain and guilt coursed through her like a burning fire. She let her eyes run over the perfectly slanted handwriting once more, her tears obstructing her view slightly.

Dear Chutki,

I hope you are well and I hope you get this letter. I don't know much about you but I felt that I must send it before I make my decision, whatever it may end up being. What happened still remains like a scar on my mind and I still feel angry at myself, at my parents for not telling me, for not letting me know earlier. I still regret that I never got a chance to meet you, to meet amma and babuji and I will forever feel that that part of my life is missing, incomplete. 

But today I write to you in the hopes that you are still alive because I can't escape that feeling that you survived and I pray to god that you get this letter and you read it and understand and more than anything you find out about me too. But it is too late for me, I'm in a mess that I cannot escape from so I wanted to tell you this before I leave. 

I request that you never disclose your identity to anyone, that you never repeat to anyone the events of the past. The people that created this, they are still looking for you, they suspect that you are still alive and you have something, something which is of importance to them and they want it back. The Jhas, if they find you... I can't even begin to thing of what that may lead to. But please be safe, be vary, do not let anyone near you, do not confide in anyone. This is my last attempt to get to you and I sincerely hope I have. You may not find me by the time this letter reaches you... I may not be alive by then. 

Yours with love and affection 

Diya Nayak

Angelica fell over the trunk, her sobs escaping her in loud ragged bursts, it had reached that point again where she couldn't take it anymore. She lay with her body splayed over the floor, her tears trailing down the sides of her face as she scrunched up into a ball, her loud sobs changing into screams as she pulled at her hair. She needed escape!

****

"Erm, I just," he gulped struggling to find the right words, his eyes hovering over her innocent face.

She could read the trepidation in his eyes, a distant fear, a determination to tell her something and yet his mind torn on that very decision. She blinked rapidly for a second, pulling herself out of his gaze.

"Arnav you know you can't hide things from me! I can read everything in your eyes! You should teach them to lie first!" She yelled at him as he turned away and stormed off, rapidly walking after him, determined on not leaving him alone. 

She felt the beating of her heart increase, too many memories, similarities flooding back to her and paralysing her senses. She wanted to stop it! Stop this comparison! This constant reminder that he was her Arnav. She pulled her arm away from him without any conscious thought to the action.

He looked down at her arm immediately, his eyes reading her completely bewildered impression and his grip loosened then let go, feeling the second he did that he had lost a part of himself too. He looked down to the ground, then took a deep breath in, how was he to begin. "Khushi," he began again. his voice low.

She looked to him once more, unable to understand exactly what it was that he was finding so difficult to tell her when her eyes snapped up suddenly.

He turned around abruptly as the loud knock broke through his train of thought, his eyes disapprovingly falling upon NK's troubled face in an instant. Scrunching his brows and sighing he got up to walk over but before he could NK was already by his side, his thumbs fiddling against each other as he bit his lower lip.

"Arnav it's Angelica! She's done it again," NK mumbled, the panic in his eyes completely evident as Arnav's eyes widened and he felt his senses go completely numb. He felt his legs go weak beneath him, the reality of his own life come crashing down upon him as he let NK lead him away, seemingly lost as to what he had been attempting to do only seconds before, the panic, the fear too real for him to be able to think of anything else.

NK's voice echoed inside Khushis mind as she sat their unable to comprehend what to do or say next. Her eyes wide, her mind blank.

"Arnav.... Arnav..."

Her hand went to her throat as she attempted to calm the burning sensation riding up her throat, her breaths coming out fast and ragged, her heart beating away at a pace that she had not imagined possible. She crumpled the sheet in her fingers, holding onto it almost as if she was holding on for dear life.

She had been right, her senses had been right, his eyes, the ring to her name every time he said it, his actions, her ability to understand him. She'd known all along.

"Khushi I need to tell you something."

And he had known, he'd found out who she was. That's why he had known her name. That's why he'd refused to tell her his own name.

She felt so completely loss, emotionally drained. She closed her eyes for a second, attempting to stifle the sensation to throw up all of a sudden, her blood rising to her cheeks, heat engulfing her. It was as if she was seeing everything through a haze.

This moment, this truth, this realisation that she had spent her whole life waiting, praying, hoping for was finally here. He was alive, in front of her, protecting her and yet she didn't know what to do. She sat their frozen to the spot, unable to will her limbs to move, her breath stuck in her throat.

Tears trailed down her cheeks, and she didn't know how to stop them, to gain the strength to move her hands. Her every prayer had been answered and she simply did not know what to do...

****

"Arnav wait! Wait! Just hold up a second they are still on the way to the hospital!" NK screamed out as Arnav quickened his steps, walking hurriedly then fell into a run, his feet hitting off of the ground noisily as he ran to the garage, already unlocking it from the distance.

Aman too ran after him, faster than NK on his feet, his hand falling onto Arnav's shoulder as he dragged him back. "Arnav listen to me! Just calm down take a breather. Everything will be fine," Aman reassured him but Arnav was lost, his eyes focused on the distance, his mind chaotic.

He moved Aman's arm away looking straight at him this time, "listen Aman I need to get there. I know she's not supposed to mean anything to me but..." his voice broke halfway, he stopped himself before he broke down.

Aman nodded in reply, taking a deep breath he placed both his hands on Arnav's shoulder, causing him to look up, that understanding that they had between them sparking in an instant. "I'll come with you, NK can take care of things here," Aman reassured, his voice low, not unknown to his friends pain. And that's when it hit him again, Arnav's eyes widened and he felt himself loose his thought process all over again.

Khushi! He had been about to tell her, he had gotten so close. He scrunched his eyes shut, everything a bit too overwhelming for him. He took several deep breaths in, attempting to calm himself, his mind constantly flashing back to the last time she had done this, the last time she had ended up in hospital and how much it had weakened him. He didn't want to go back to that place again. Her words, then Khushi's face, Khushi's eyes, large hazel orbs, then dark brown ones.

"I can't do this, I don't want to do this anymore," Angelica's tear stricken face, her large eyes raw with tears.

Khushi's gentle fingers against his skin, her tiny gestures, her bewildered eyes.

"Please just let me die, let me go, please," her voice, pleading for release, for closure.

Khushi's hand in his, how perfectly it fit, the relief of finally knowing that she was alive.

"You know showing your pain doesn't weaken you," those same words after so many years, how good it felt, how much strength it gave him.

He turned around suddenly, wanting to go back, just blurt it out, shout it out to her. Scream at the top of his lungs. Then stopped, midway, his mind whirring back to Angelica, how he had to be there for her because who else would? His mind torn, his thoughts frayed. His hands automatically went to his temples, he needed to desperately calm the storm that was raging through his mind. "Deep breaths Arnav deep breaths," he mumbled to himself then finally sighing turned back towards Aman.

"No Aman you stay here, I want Khushi safe just keep a look out on her and I'll try and get back soon," Arnav stated quietly, his voice hoarse with tears that threatened to spill out then quickly strode off.

****

Khushi walked over to her room, her mind in a trance like state. It was as if she was walking on a cloud, her mind not quite registering the impact of her feet hitting the ground. Arnav, he was here, in the flesh, alive, after all of these years. And he knew that she was alive, that she was here. He was keeping her here, keeping her from the truth yet protecting her. She closed the door behind her, her movements robotic, automatic. She let her frail body rest agains the back of the door, not realising when she had slid down to the floor, not realising the tears that continued to flow down her cheeks.

"Angelica," that struck a cord somewhere, why had he been so troubled on the mention of her? Who was she? Even when the rest of the world had believed him to be dead she had kept her hopes, her heart had recognised him. She belonged in heart and soul only to him but had he given himself over to another? Was that why he was so reluctant to tell her? Tell her the truth? Her, who had been waiting for so many years, surviving on only that tiny glimmer of hope? Had he not believed her worthy of the truth, of relief?

So what if he loved another, she decided, he had the right to move on. But that didn't mean that he keep things from her. A battle was raging through her mind, a war that had always been fought but today a bit different, today it was at the forefront, threatening to cripple her every sense.

His molten brown eyes flashed across her mind, she closed her eyes for a split second trying to understand the man that he now was. She'd met him in the midst of chaos just like she had lost him all those years ago. He'd left her with dreams, not nightmares but dreams, her mind had not recognised them at first but now she understood. She buried her face in her hands, her sobs loud as her body shook with the torrents of them. She couldn't stop herself from thinking about too many possibilities at the one time and then about how perfect she felt around him. The way in which their hands intertwined without a word, his gentle words, his soft promises, the smallest nudge of his hand against hers. She moved her head back, banging it on the door, crying for escape.

She wanted to leave, flee, hide in a place where she would never see him again. She'd wished for this for so long! Wished that he was alive, wished that they would have a future together but now that she knew, she didn't know what to do, wasn't sure she knew him. His deep dark secrets, his many walls, the mystery that constantly surrounded him, she didn't know if she wanted to know him anymore. What if he dragged her back to that very place she dreaded? Her heart was sure of him, of his sincerity, of his gentle eyes that offered nothing but soft promises but her mind refused to give in.

****

Arnav continued to press on the lift button, willing for the damn machine to just come down but it wouldn't and he was in a hurry, he had to get to her, make sure that she was okay. His heart was racing away in his chest, the blood pounding through his ears. Looking both ways gulping down the bile that rose up his throat he began to run, pushing people out of his way.

His feet were rapid on the stairs, taking two at a time, his breath ragged, his head throbbing, a pounding at the back of it as a result of thinking through too many things at the same time.

He slid to a stop in front of the reception, trying to make his way through an already present commotion.

"I told you I don't know her fucking last name!" The girl swore, she was dressed in a short black dress, it's hem barely covering her, her feet not quite straight in her large platformed heels.

"Sorry ma'am but we can't admit her in without a last name, it's a regulation here," the receptionist answered, attempting to be patient as the girl fumed, shouting more insults at her, waving her hands about in the air in exasperation.

Arnav caught on quickly, still catching his breath, placing his hand on her shoulder she moved the girl out of the way.

"Hey excuse me?! Can't you see that I'm talking here? Do people not have any fucking manners?" She growled, her eyes furious but Arnav ignored her completely, instead leaning over the counter he trained his eyes on the receptionist who was watching him equally taken aback.

"What's the name of the patient she wants to admit?" He questioned, his voice stern, commanding.

"Sir?" The receptionist questioned.

His jaw tightened, his eyes re-igniting with that raw anger. "Can't you answer a blood question?" He yelled, done with his patience. "I asked what the patients name is!" He exclaimed through gritted teeth.

Her eyes widened for a second then quickly arranging herself she answered, her voice trembling, "sir that's the problem we don't have a proper name," she tried then.

"Yes she has! I just told you! It's not my problem that you won't accept it!" The other girl jumped in, looking from Arnav to the receptionist, not entirely sure what was going on. "It's Angelica! I told you once!" She exclaimed, exasperated.

Sighing he turned back towards the receptionist, "I want her treated right now you got that? I want her out of the mess that she's put herself into!" He warned, his eyes furious.

"But sir," her voice shook as she tried to explain to him, "it's not possible without a full name."

"She has a full name," he muttered, his voice almost inaudible, his eyes averting to the ground suddenly, as if he was ashamed to even address her by her name anymore. Both their eyes snapped up to him.

His jaw tightened, his fists clenched at his sides, he had to close his eyes for a second for himself to be able to still address her as that. Finally giving in he looked to the receptionist, "her name is Anjali Singh Raizada and she is my sister."

~

We are the fragments

And the broken off pieces

of all we have missed

- Tyler Knott Gregson

~

Mwahaha! Another cliffhanger tihihi :P. But hey I cleared a lot in this chapter so I wasn't that evil :P xx