Chapter 13 - And It's All Blurred

First of all I'm so sorry for this very late update! Life has been hectic :(


Dedicating this to Shay1990 because she’s my #KukkadKamaalDa … Is it bad that I still can’t get over “Everything Has Changed”?

The first part of this chapter was inspired by “Everything Has Changed” by Taylor Swift & Ed Sheeran.

~

One day you’ll realize what you mean to me,

oh and every now and then,

I see a part of you I’ve never seen.

- No Name, Ryan O’Shaughnessy

~

She felt herself stiffen, her heart almost stop for a second or two. She’d never felt him so closely before, she could feel the rapid flutter of his heart beats, his warm breath against her skin. Her chest heaved against his, desperate for more air. She closed her eyes momentarily, letting new tears roll down her cheeks, she didn’t know what was happening but from now on it was better to let things fall into place by themselves, she finally decided. 

She felt him move against her then, his hands tightening around her shoulders as if he wanted to move her back. She moved her head up, her eyes slowly rising up to meet his gaze to clash against deep caramel orbs. 

He felt his breath hitch in his throat, their equally pounding heart beats resounding in their ears, her deep hazel eyes with the smallest of brown freckles boring into the depths of him. 

And she felt herself drown in the pools of his muddied caramel spheres for the first time. 

“Arnav,” she whispered, her hand rising up to touch his face, feel that he was real as his eyes widened in response.

He took a step back suddenly, the reality of the situation dawning upon him along with the chaotic background, as screams echoed in his ears her own whisper resounded amongst them, coaxing him, laughing yet again at his own misfortune.

His grip on her loosened of its own accord, their gazes left clashing as he moved back further. How did she know his name?

She took a step towards him, her fingers outstretched as if she was dying to just touch him, feel him for herself. 

All I knew this morning when I woke
Is I know something now, know something now I didn't before
And all I've seen since eighteen hours ago 
Is green eyes and freckles and your smile
In the back of my mind making me feel like

I just wanna know you better know you better know you better now
I just wanna know you know you

She didn't know where all of her anger had disappeared to, all of the locked up temper that she had been so sure of all of the different scenarios, each one with accusations thrown towards him dissipating into nothingness, into tiny incoherent fragments that refused to resurface. She didn't need much to read the surprise in his eyes, the fear in his gaze and she didn't know if she could place it.

Why did he fear her knowing him, finally recognising the one person that she had held onto like a lifeline, did he not want to know her again?

He swallowed hard, fighting to keep his thoughts intact, his mind rational as his heart flipped and turned in his chest. How did she know? Why was she here? It was as if the surrounding chaos evaporated into mist, leaving him only in the confines of his own chaotic mind. What was he supposed to do now? What if she thought he hadn't been fair to her?

Cause all I know is we said Hello
And your eyes look like coming home
All I know is a simple name
Everything has changed
All I know is you held the door
You'll be mines and I'll be yours
All I know since yesterday is everything has changed

She took another step towards him, her arm outstretched, as if she was scared that he would run away and she would never see him again, her eyes not leaving him for a second. It was like she was floating on a cloud of serenity. She needed to know him, to talk to him, to ask him all of the questions that she had kept bottled up for so long.

His eyes snapped up suddenly as a bullet ricocheted centimeters away from Khushi's head. He felt his heart plummet, his whole being almost become numb.

She continued to stare at him, completely mesmerised by these odd turn of events that had finally brought her to this lost turn in her life where only the fact that he was standing in front of her mattered.

He didn't have time to think, to fight or surrender to the feelings of his galloping heart, his rational mind over his erratic heart. He'd left her once and now that life had brought him back in front of her, now that fate was giving him, giving them another chance he wouldn't repeat the same mistake.

He pushed her into the wall, his solid built body colliding off of hers as he shielded her completely. He knew he had to tell her, to narrate to her the story of a lifetime of searching, of knowing that she would be somewhere yet not having the courage to find her. And he would, he decided, he would finally shed all of his inhibitions and just tell her, hiding things would only do both of them more harm. Maybe it was a risk he would just have to take. But first he had to get her out of this mess.

And all my walls stood tall painted blue
And I'll take them down, take them down and open up the door for you

She staggered back with him, her breath hitching in her throat, her ribs crushing against the thumping of her heart. She was sure she stopped breathing for a second as she struggled to comprehend the situation once more.

And all I feel in my stomach is butterflies
The beautiful kind, making up for lost time, 
Taking flight, making me feel like

She was finding it difficult to breathe, his warm breath caressing her soft cheeks. At that moment she wanted to send her arms around him, feel the ripples of his skin under her tentative fingertips, run her fingers through his hair, hold him close. She wanted to ask if he had changed, if she had changed, if things would be the same.

He could feel her heart thudding against his, her vibrant eyes boring into the core of him but refused to let that affect him, he could feel his mind tearing under pressure, he needed more control. Quickly reaching into his pocket he brought out his phone and dialling 2 on the panel put it to his ear.

"Hello Aman, I need back up! Back up right now!" He ordered, turning around so that his back was against her, still shielding her.

"I'm trying dude! These fucking arseholes won't get out of my way!" He shouted over the chaos, as he slid out from under a chair and aimed at the back of another man, missing by mere millimeters. "Shit! Another failed bullet!" He cursed.

"This is all your fucking fault you moron! What was the need to bring her here?" Arnav couldn't control his anger anymore, he was breaking apart internally and he had to let something out before he lost all sense of control.

Her eyes rounded and tears sprang to her eyes, his words stung, she'd heard them loud and clear. All those thoughts that had occupied her mind only seconds ago dashed out of her mind as anger spurted within her once more.

"Seriously Arnav just calm down! We'll talk about this later right now we need to..." Aman tried to explain before Arnav cut him out.

"Don't you think I know that you ass! Now get me back up! I don't care how you do it!" He barked into the phone as she tried to squeeze away from him. If he didn't want her here then she didn't want to be here either.

She felt her move against him and instantly turned back around to look at her, blazing caramel orbs resting on her dejected hazel spheres before he dropped his gaze. His words came back to him then, they couldn't have sounded right in front of her. Shit! Why was he always making mistakes with her around, if only he could acquire more control.

He turned around rapidly, grasping her by the shoulders, maybe just a little too tight as she winced in pain and looked up at him accusingly. He loosened his grip immediately, scrunching his eyes shut for the smallest of seconds in an attempt to re-arrange his thoughts. Letting out a sigh he finally let his gaze meet hers, he saw the questions, the accusations embedded within them but chose to ignore them. "I'm sorry but I need to get you out of here," he tried to speak as gently as possible.

Her tiny hands went around his wrists as his eyes followed their path. "I don't need your help," she muttered, trying to shake herself out of his hold but his hands only tightened around her shoulder, refusing to let go. He looked towards her again, their gazes clashing, "please just let me get you out of here and we can talk," he finally attempted to reassure her.

"I don't think we have anything to talk about," she replied icily, looking away once more, she was sick of trying to get through to him, of his half-hearted attempts and his rejection. She didn't need this, maybe this would be for the good, maybe this way she could finally move on from the past.

He tried not to read too deep into what she had said for he would then understand the consequences of them and he wasn't willing to let them come into play. Not now, not when they were so close. "Listen Khushi, I can understand..."

"What can you understand Mr Arnav Singh Raizada?" She could feel all of her anger building up now, she pushed herself out of his grasp as he stared back at her, completely taken aback, his eyes wide.

"What do you understand? What do you want from me? Why don't you just say whatever you have to say and get it over with?!" She screamed, taking several steps towards him as he backed away.

Another bullet whizzed through the air just then. He grabbed her wrist, his fingers tight on her skin as she looked to him pointedly, too fired up to see what was going around her. She tried to free herself from his hold, pulling back and clawing at his hand.

He flung her back against the wall, crushing his body to his, their noses meeting as their gazes collided. "Listen Khushi we don't have time for this! Just listen to me and do what I say!" He screamed, seemingly having lost every inch of control he had fought for only seconds ago. His hot breath was on her face as he spoke through gritted teeth, his nostrils flaring with anger.

Still holding onto her, not loosening his hold even for a second he reached to his back pocket and slid out his gun.

Her eye rounded as she struggled against his hold. Who was this man? She felt fear ripple through her every vein as bile rose up her throat. She tried to move away from him but he was too close, his hold too tight.

He clicked out the magazine, checking for bullets, completely unaware to her petrified gaze. He needed to get her out of here, make sure that the both of them were safe.

"Aman!" He barked as Aman aimed for another man and got him.

"Bulls eye!" He exclaimed as the man fell to the ground with a thud.

"What the?"

"Yes boss! On it! Where do I cover?" He replied promptly, rapidly returning back to the real world.

"I'll come through from the left, cover me, I've got Khushi. We are making a straight exit towards my jeep. Do you know..."

"Yes I know where it is, I'm parked right next to you. I'm heading your way. Go," Aman instructed as he rolled out from under the chair, ducked a bullet then began to push through the crowd.

"How's it looking?"

"Everyones..." He pushed another man out of the way, frowning and muttering to himself before continuing, "Bloody everywhere!" He screamed through the commotion, his eyes searching through the crowd.

Arnav tried to pull on Khushi but she wasn't moving, he looked towards her then and he was sure his heart would break from the fear that seemed to cloud her eyes. He followed her gaze and it fell to the gun in his hand. His eyes rounded, she must be misunderstanding him but he didn't have the time to explain, that would have to come later. Right now her life mattered more than anything else.

His fingers tightened around her wrist as he finally yanked her towards him, her petite body colliding off of his own as she looked up once more into his eyes. "Just run with me," he tried to explain.

"Let go of me!" She exclaimed, pulling away from him as he continued to tighten his hold.

He pulled her back in once more, letting their heaving chests knock off of each other, "listen Khushi, just trust me. I've kept you safe so far, you know me, now just trust me. For now," his words were whispered in a rush as she struggled to understand them. She battled through them, of the possibilities they held.

"We just need to get out of here," he looked around once more, his eyes scanning the crowd for Aman. "Please, just..."

She nodded back quickly before he could finish, her eyes downcast in dejection. Gulping back that sinking feeling that was all but too near the surface he fell into a run with her in tow.

"I see you!" He heard Aman's voice through the bluetooth. He looked around then to see Aman approaching from the other end.

"Got you! We head straight!" He instructed.

She tried not to worry about the gun that he held ready, or the commotion that he effortlessly glided past. She tried not to think about the rapid pace of her feet against the ground, his fingers burning marks on her porcelain like skin.

She tried to stop her chaotic mind that was raking through too many possibilities and passing too many judgements, she didn't want to do that, she didn't want to think of him like that but it was almost as if she didn't have another choice, as though he wasn't willing to give her another choice.

He kept glancing back at her, her face only inches away from his as he held her close to his back, shielding and covering her in every possible way.

"Shit! They are onto us! Black beard over there just spotted us!" Aman screamed from behind as he re-checked his magazine. He moved to the side ducking another bullet and aimed. "Fuck Arnav they are shooting!"

Arnav spun around just then, sending one of his arms around her waist and holding her to the back of him. She didn't respond, simply obeyed, too spent to even pay attention to what was happening.

Clicking his gun he aimed for the man with the beard and fired, his bullet as usual landing on target as it pierced through the mans flesh and he fell to the ground. He heard her scream die on her lips, felt the movement of her chest as she stifled a gasp. Sighing he closed his eyes for a second, this was all going so horribly wrong. He had wanted to tell her things before she could ever witness this side to him. He didn't enjoy what he did but he did it for a cause and right now without her knowing that she would only misunderstand. Please Khushi don't misunderstand me, he sent a silent prayer in his mind.

Come back and tell me why 
I'm feeling like I've missed you all this time
And meet me there tonight
And let me know that it's not all in my mind

I just wanna know you better know you better know you better now

She didn't know what to do anymore, she knew in the back of her mind that she could trust him with her safety but for how long and how much? She remembered the screams and shouts, the rapid beats of her heart, large tears as they slid down her cheeks. She remembered them all too well. She remembered having to identify bodies, dried paths of dripped blood on walls that had been familiar and offered comfort. And now that she had finally found him he had only taken her back there, back to a time and place that she had tried to so hard to forget.

She tried not to think of the demanding hold he had had on her wrist as she finally looked at him driving, his jaw set and his eyes set into the distance. She was sure she didn't recognise this man that had from the beginning remained an enigma for her. She knew parts of him but not enough to call him her Arnav any longer. He was now a man with a gun, a man that carried bullet wounds and rushed to see a woman in the hospital named Angelica. He was a man that could aim and kill a person with one shot. He was now a man that mirrored the men that had taken away her childhood and she didn't want to associate with a person like that.

All I know is we said "Hello"
So dust off your highest hopes
All I know is pouring rain and everything has changed
All I know is the new found grace
All my days I know your face
All I know since yesterday is everything has changed

****

Arnav finally breathed a sigh of relief as he brought the vehicle to a slow halt in front of the garage. She might not think too highly of him, he understood that much but he was glad that she was safe once again, that she was in the safe haven of his house and he'd be able to talk to her. He allowed himself a second to just lie his head back against the head rest and close his eyes as he pinched the space between his brows with his fingers.

Aman watched Arnav for a minute, spotting the worry that etched his face, maybe taking Khushi with him hadn't been the brightest of ideas but at least she was safe. He turned around to look back at her, she sat with her head turned towards the window, looking out to the horizon and he didn't know what to think. Had he jeopardised what little had been left?

"Arnav..."

"I'm fine," Arnav mumbled back, his voice slightly hoarse.

Aman watched him for a few seconds, slightly taken aback, he could see everything that was happening taking a toll on his friend. It rarely happened but he was sure he understood why and he still needed to find the full story and this time he'd just have to ask and hope Arnav would tell him.

Placing his hand on Arnav's shoulder he nodded to himself, "I'll be in my usual place if you need me," he reassured as Arnav nodded back then clicked his door open.

Khushi watched Aman leave, refusing to let herself look at the man that was now Arnav Singh Raizada, she just wanted to go away. She hated him for keeping her captivated like this. Taking a deep breath in she too clicked the door open.

He spun around immediately, his eyes wide and slightly red but she refused to play heed to him.

"Khushi," his voice was a hoarse whisper but she gulped down the feelings that sprouted through her once more and keeping her gaze away from him stepped out and walked away.

****

"What the fuck do you mean you didn't get her?!" Shyam screamed, rage was flowing through his every vein, his every muscle twitching with the raw anger that seemed to consume him completely. He made a grab for Aakash's collars, his manic face only inches away from Aakash's. "I want that girl! Haven't you understood a word I've said! What the fuck is going on?!" He yelled as Aakash tried to keep his calm face.

"Sir there were two men there, they guarded her and took her away," Aakash explained as Shyam slammed him back towards the wall and walked away.

He run his hand through his hair, taking a deep breath in, the muscles of his face twitching with the effort.

"Get everyone together, I'll do them both at the same time. We are commencing plan 2T," he finally stated, his voice and demeanour once again controlled.

Aakash felt a shiver run down his spine, "but sir, so soon?" He managed to choke out.

"Yes Aakash," he replied, letting a corner of his mouth lift up in a smirk.

****

He stopped at her door that remained open and watched her for a few seconds. She stood facing the window, her arms crossed in front of her, her shoulders slightly hunched. He hadn't followed her when she'd gotten out of the car and left so abruptly, he'd wanted to give her the time and space to think. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and waited a few more seconds, the pace of his heart beat increasing with every second. He tried to take deep breaths in and control the words that circled around in his mind, threatening to break lose. He was back to that point again that felt so close yet so far, where he had finally made up his mind to tell her. But now it was different, now she knew who he was and probably thought wrong of what he did. He was sure he could still feel her stiffen against him, still hear the choked cry that had died on her lips.

Khushi please don't judge me, he prayed, needing her so badly to just listen and understand him.

Finally taking a deep breath in he entered the room. She turned around immediately, her brows scrunched together, her eyes widening as her gaze caught his then dropped it again.

"Khushi," he began as she took a deep breath in. He watched her as her lips pursed into a thin line and her eyes flitted to every corner of the room barr his.

He took a further step in as she took one back. He stopped there, he didn't want to intimidate her, "Khushi... Are you okay?" He finally began.

She looked up at him then, her eyes judging, "I'm fine," her voice was distant and cold and that stung him.

"Khushi I wanted to..." He began, attempting to process his words before he began.

"You wanted to what Arnav?" She questioned then, taking him completely by surprise. His eyes widened in response as he tried to come to terms with her anger.

"Khushi, I..." He began again, quite clearly struggling with the thoughts that overpowered his speech.

"What Arnav?" She took a step towards him, "What did you want to do Arnav Mallik, or should I call you Arnav Singh Raizada?" He looked up towards her, pain flowing through every feature of his face, "Khushi."

"Or maybe you have another name that no one else has taken the liberty to tell me," she continued, trying not to play heed to the array of emotions that flitted through his face.

"It's not like..."

"It's not like that?" She continued to keep her gaze steady on him, "you knew my name! You knew who I was and you still kept things from me!" She began to scream, she was breaking down internally and she had to let it out.

His eyes widened as he tried to keep himself calm, "Khushi I tried to..."

"I trusted you Arnav! I had so much faith in you despite you being a stranger to me and you thought it was okay to keep me in the dark!" She screamed, "I waited for you! For so many years! Sure that you were alive! That you were well somewhere, alive and safe somewhere!" She screamed through the tears, taking a hold of his shirt, letting her fingers claw into the fabric. "And you knew who I was but didn't tell me!"

Arnav swallowed hard, completely lost for words, he didn't know what to tell her, how to explain to her.

She pushed him away again, leaving him stumbling for a second. Angry tears spurted out of her eyes but she kept going. "And who did I wait so long for? A monster?" Her yelled out words pierced through him, leaving him staggering. He felt sick with the emotions that assaulted him, she thought he was a monster.

"I've tried so hard to move away from a scarred childhood! To build myself a new life!" She exclaimed through tears, her eyes ablaze with fury as he just stood there letting her words hurt him once by one. "And every time I would think of you! Think that we would meet again one day, that I shouldn't forget a past that I could once again begin from one day. But when I finally meet you! When I finally get to know that you are alive you've turned into the same monster that took my childhood!"

He kept his gaze to the floor, he couldn't meet her eyes, not when she thought so low of him.

"You've turned into a cold hearted killer! A man that doesn't think twice before he shoots someone!" She exclaimed. She took another step towards him as he continued to refuse to meet her eyes. "I don't care if you've moved on from me, from us, from the past," she continued as he looked up once again, his own eyes glazed over, her words hitting him like bolts of lightening.

She continued taking a deep breath in, "It doesn't even matter if you had forgotten about me... But Arnav I just don't want to know a man that mirrors the men that took the lives of my parents," her final sentence was a whisper and it didn't have to be loud to sear through him completely. "If that's the price I have to pay to know you again, then I don't want to know you at all," she finally mumbled, looking away from him.

He gulped back tears and words that he had held to explain things to her, maybe it was better that she misunderstood. Maybe that way she wouldn't be affected by his world he finally decided. He let his eyes flicker through her features one last time, keeping it as a sort of memory then slowly turning around began to walk away.

****

Aman ran into the chamber as NK turned towards him, raising an eyebrow.

"I've saved myself!" He exclaimed, taking a seat on the high bench.

"From?" NK questioned, running towards the door and peering out through the small oval window.

"From the Arnav Khushi fight, ding ding!" He gestured himself hitting a gong.

"They are fighting?" NK questioned, almost clinging onto the glass in his attempts to see outside, "Where? Did she claw his face?" NK shouted, clearly excited from this new found news.

Aman walked towards him and slapped him over the head, "No you asshole! They are are arguing! She didn't claw his face!"

"Ah that's a shame, would have been nice to see him with more battle scars," he laughed. "Anyway 2,000 she smacks him," he offered grinning.

"Aah game on bro!" Aman winked then walked away.

----

Both NK & Aman watched as a dejected Arnav walked in to the chamber, his face was downcast, his brows scrunched together and they both looked towards each other, raising their eyebrows.

Finally mustering up the strength to speak Aman began, "Arnav is everything..."

He nodded back slowly, swallowing hard as he sat himself down on a table, "Everything's fine," he cut in, "look into see if there's been any progress on Shyam's plans," his voice was low and distant as he brought out his gun from his back pocket and began to turn it around in his hands.

NK watched the conversation between the two then quickly getting up walked towards the door, "I'm erm hungry," he mumbled before making a quick exit.

Aman rolled his eyes then slowly standing up walked over towards him. He placed his hand on Arnav's shoulder, "dude are you alright?" He finally asked, the concern all but too clear on his face.

Arnav looked up towards him then back again, "I'm fine, I'll be fine," he mumbled back, still frowning down at the gun in his hands.

"Arnav... I don't know if this is the right time to ask," Aman finally began, he was never good with patience when it came to information. "But... The Malik murders... You know Khushi... Chutki Nayak, who was the daughter of Mahesh Nayak... DCP Mahesh Nayak..." He tried to phrase his question carefully.

Arnav looked back up at him, his eyes scanning Aman's face, not in the least surprised that he had arrived upon this information, sighing he nodded back slowly, focusing his eyes on the distance. He was silent for a few seconds before he spoke, "have you heard of Avinash Mallik?" He finally asked.

Aman frowned trying to make sense of how exactly that fit in, "the man that used to own one of the biggest hotel chains in the world?" He questioned.

"The owner of the AM Group," Arnav replied, his voice still low.

"Yeh he was caught..." Aman replied, raking his brain for the case.

"Importing weapons for Inder Jha," Arnav finished off for him.

"Shyam Manohar Jha's father," Aman added in, still not quite catching onto where this was heading, he knew of the case but didn't know it in great detail.

"Avinash Mallik was my father," Arnav finally replied.

~

I was but then I realised that I was holding onto something that didn't exist anymore. That the person I missed didn't exist anymore. People change. The things we like and dislike change. And we can wish they wouldn't all day long, but that never works. 

- Fixing Delilah, Sarah Ockler

~